Saturday, 28 March 2015


David Hilbert
Was often mistaken for Gilbert.
"I did NOT write Trial by Jury!"
He would say, in fury.
Fleischmann and Pons
Confounded their fellow dons
By demonstrating fusion in a football stadium
And later at the London Palladium.
Alan Turing
Needed reassuring
That a Turing machine made of papyrus
Was immune to almost every virus.
Professor John Coates
Mistyped his lecture notes;
But "Useful for Bankers" had more takers
Than the intended: "Useful for Bakers".
W.H. Auden
Never lived in Morden:
In his poems the central line
Is usually very fine.
Andrey Nikolaevich Kolmogorov
Had a headache, but it wore off.
He didn't find the test that statisticians learn of
Until he discovered Smirnoff.
G.H. Hardy
Was rather tardy
At patching up his quarrel
With Stan Laurel.
I find Maclaurin
Very borin'
And Taylor's series
Also wearies.
Bertrand Russell
Once choked on a mussel
Which is why he says nothing exciting
about shellfish in his writing.
 Donald Knuth
Thought it very uncouth
Of people to rhyme TeX
With Sex.
George N. Kayatta
Had some novel views on matter.
When your velocity is high,
You find pi in the sky.
E.C. Bentley
Taxes me mentally.
But Edward Lear
Is crystal clear.
Stephen Hawking
Is always talking
Of that stitch in Time
Which saves nine.

The Right Honourable Anthony Wedgewood Benn
Is as common as other men.
"I'm NOT a Viscount," says he.
"I'm a teapot, you see."
Is not easy to parody.
He would take legal action
If you said "Proof by induction".

The poems of Trad
Are not so bad,
But Anon's verse
Gets steadily worse.

Not wearing pyjamas.
He feels more mighty
In a white nightie.

Joseph of Arimathea
Wore trousers of barathea.
The same applies to Mr Michie's*

* A character in Lucky Jim, and this bit is true.

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